Back from break... thank goodness!!! I missed ESPN so badly.
Been wrestling a lot with some recent things in my life. Mainly decisions that'll affect the next few years of my life. I've decided that I need to go back to school, but I don't know what to do after that. IV and RCCC recently got together and cultivated an interest in starting an Asian American oriented ministry for DUKE, UNC, and NC STATE. I'm not too sure how I got thrown into the mix. The first time around I flirted with the idea of doing it but felt too underqualified and my life just seemed to be too much in a mess to take that kind of responsibility. I couldn't imagine leading a ministry that has the potential to affect so much in this area, so many lives.
Anyways, I thought the notion of all of it had died for me, but the idea just keeps getting resurrected and coming my way. Something I've been praying for my whole life was to be used in this area, especially growing up in the southeast, within the structure of Asian Ameircan ministry set up here. I've been raised in this spiritual environment and owe so much of my life to it, despite the many struggles. But in recent years my heart for has been waning. Why? Not so much because my love for the people here or the area itself has dissipated, but more so because I feel like my walk as a Christian has. It's been an intense refining time, being broken down and slowly being built back up.
Still not sure what I'm going to do, but seems like my hearts leaning towards doing it, or God is shaping it in a way to look beyond what I lack and have faith in what He can provide. Reminds of a song by Jars of Clay.
I am the only one to blame for thisSome how it all ends up the sameSoaring on the wings of selfish pride I flew too high and like Icarus, I collideWith a world I try so hard to leave behindTo rid myself of all but love to give and dieTo turn away and not becomeAnother nail to pierce the skin of one who lovesMore deeply then the oceansMore abundant then the tearsof a world embracing every heartache And can I be the one to sacrificeor grip the spear and watch the blood and water flowto love you Take my world apart I am on my knees to need you Take my world apart Broken on my knees......... All said and done I stand aloneAmongst remains of a life I should not ownit takes all I am to believeIn the mercy that covers meAnd did you really have to die for me?All I am for all you are cause what I need and what I believeare Worlds apart And I pray To love you take my world apart I am on my kneesTake my world apart Broken on my kneesOn my knees I look beyond the empty cross forgetting what my life has costWipe away the crimson stain and dull the nails that still remainMore and more I need you now I owe you more each passing hour Battle between grace and pride Gave up not so long agoSo steal my heart and take the pain and wash my feet and cleanse my pride Take the selfish take the weak and all the things I cannot hide Take the beauty take my tears sin and soaked heart make it yoursTake my world apart take it now take it nowServe the ones that I despise Speak the words I can't deny I watch the world I use to know fall to dust and go awayI look beyond the empty cross forgetting what my life has cost Wipe away the crimson stain and dull the nails that still remainSteal my heart and take the pain take the selfish take the weakAnd all the things I cannot hide take the beauty take my tears take my world apartTake my world apartAnd i pray Take my world Worlds apart